December 10, 2025

approx. 9:20pm PST

Bugle: Good evening your honors, we are Bugle, Bauble, & Brown, a renowned all-women law firm based here in the North. We stand before this court today on behalf of our client, a Mrs. Claus. Bauble: Except she goes by Carol Aird now…

The prosecution stands before you confident that we 
Have pulled the evidence together for a shocking case indeed
The issues on the table tell of recklessness and woe 
And  a profligate who could not leave the well enough alone

We represent our client with a tenure of success
We’ve never lost at trial and we won’t break the record yet
With Carol Claus’ cause at heart we now approach the bench 
Our purpose here is simple, in the end…

We’re suing Santa, we’re suing Santa
We’re suing Santa baby, don’t you believe that old propaganda

Bauble: Right, so in case you’ve been living under a rock, our client and Mr. Claus have been in business together at North Pole Incorporated for the last 20 centuries. Our discovery has led to the following serious indictments:

Tax evasion, wire fraud, grand theft, larcen
Racketeering, DUIs, and good ol forgery
He gambled all their wealth away and couldn’t pay the rent
Then tried to fudge the numbers with some quick embezzlement -  embezzlement!!!

We’re suing Santa, we’re suing Santa
We’re suing Santa baby, don’t you believe that old propaganda

Brown: Now as you can see, your honors, Santa hasn’t exactly been the best business partner… 
Bugle: or the best husband…
Brown: Let’s just say… he’s on the list.
Bauble: Wait, *which* list?
Brown:…the naughty list!!!

He found himself a mistress, and they shacked up in the South Pole
She’s an elf who’s half his age, a waitress named Nicole
He couldn’t keep it under wraps, although he really tried 
Drinking milk with Baileys & seeing women on the side

Parking tickets in his sleigh and six open containers 
You heard grandma got run over?! Well that’s why he’s on detainer
Red and white collar crimes and we’re just getting started 
Remember all those elves on strike? It’s ‘cause he’s evil-hearted!

We’re suing Santa, we’re suing Santa
We’re suing Santa baby, don’t you believe that old propaganda

Bauble: Given the circumstances, Ms. Carol Aird is suing for full ownership of North Pole Incorporated and all associated land rights, Bugle: the workshop, all employment contracts with the elves, Brown: and full custody of all 8 reindeer.

With the evidence before you, we believe it’s plain to see
A clear abuse of power (and a second family)
Following the paper trail will lead you face to face
With proof beyond a doubt… and with that we rest our case - we rest our case!!!

We’re suing Santa, we’re suing Santa
We’re suing Santa baby, don’t you believe that old propaganda
Call up your mom, and call up your grandma
Just take a look at our memoranda
Better believe that we’re suing Santaaaa!